I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
