take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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