Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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