Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
