I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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