Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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