I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
