apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
