Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
