Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
