i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Less talking, more tequila
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
