I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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