does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You're a waste of cheezeits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize