I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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