if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
