It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
