I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
