I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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