So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
