The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
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I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
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I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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