I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
