so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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