Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
