He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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