Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
