I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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