you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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