The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
