so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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