fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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