WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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