Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
