I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
