Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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