Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
