I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
