She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
