I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
