I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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