The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize