you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
