My liver just broke up with me...
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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