My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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