I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
