I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
