I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You were trust falling into bushes
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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