Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
