btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
