he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
