Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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