I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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