my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
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It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
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I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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