god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
