Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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