This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
