FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
