you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
