How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
