my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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