If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My liver just had a heart attack.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
