the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
